Continued from my last post, “the flyover” “the hospital”.

When you take a left from outer ring road, coming from nehru place flyover, you will enter GK II. Don’t go over the flyover after nehru place. Take a left. Savitri Cinema hall use to be here. Now its DT Cinemas, courtesy DLF and its Eight crore priced apartments. 
I took a left and was headed towards the gate of the park. The time was around 6 pm and I had half an hour left before the park would get filled with pitch darkness. After leaving the hospital, I felt I could walk a short round of the forest like park to clean my clogged senses.    

I had parked my car opposite the church. It felt safe to park it there and walk to the gate of the forest. This time I pre decided my route by turning right and completing a loop by reaching the Sufi shrine before pitch darkness. The sufi shrine faced the BRT road connecting shiekh sarai, saket and khanpur. This short distance of about 200 meters was well lit and connected GK II colony with the BRT road or anyone wanting to walk towards GK I, nehru place and not face the traffic.  

The OPD in the hospital followed a pre planned system of meeting a junior doctor first and then the senior doctor. I was told to pay for the consulation charges but within i felt  i was not here for consultancy but immediate help. I was thinking –  “hope he doesn’t tell me to sit on a wheel chair and be rushed to the Emergency ward,” something i was running away from. “Hope he doesn’t prescribe some BP medicine”. I became impatient and felt annoyed with this anxiety which was effecting the whole body within. So this is what people call anxiety attacks, i thought to myself.  Was this the only solution, rush to your doctor? Today my drawing, sketching also failed. I could not calm myself. It made me think how other people deal with such a situation. Do they face repeated anxiety attacks and just go on with their life?

The Nurse called my name and i entered room no. 104. 

I wanted to say – “Can you stop this nonsense which is going on my head, i can’t control this dizziness, feeling of I am about to fall and smash my head on the floor, or this angina pain about to lead me into a cardiac arrest? ”
But I said – Hi, I think something is wrong with me ?   

The Junior doctor did not express any emotions after listening to my story for a minute or so. He checked my BP. 140/80 and then told me to hold my breath and held his stethoscope on different places on my chest and my back. 

” It doesn’t seem heart related, its just anxiety. Go and get your ECG done and come back to me.” he said.

I breathed normal for a change but not without doubt!

I wish i could do that. Just check myself and say, I’m Okay! I stepped out to pay for the ECG and head to the ground floor to have cream spread all over my chest with plastic objects detecting the rhythm of my heart beat. 

You can’t stand in front of the mirror and repair yourself. Self diagnostic only works in easy to mild situations. In a cold / fever you can anaylise yourself but not when the wires of your brain get entangled. Then even looking at the mirror does not do anything. You can’t even be stable to see yourself. I tried but kept on talking to myself. I ran from my home. The main door left open, jumping into the Car!  

The ECG was declared normal. A second confirmation and now I awaited the final approval by the senior doctor. This was again a long wait. I had about ten more patients before me. I wasted more cups of drinking water. The hospital plastic cups were of good quality so I felt even worse. But what to do? you drink, walk around, sit, check the mobile and get thirsty again, thinking I will not drink again.   

I took a right into the park and climbed up the wavy path of the forest which would go up and down in curves all through out its five kilometer path. A short walk ahead and I went towards the center of the park. This is where all the exercise equipment were fixed into the ground, cemented into the earth as you could exercise in the open sky.  It was my way of certifying my fitness and the soundness of my brain / mind. Chin ups, the ultimate test for me to see the strength of the mind / body cordination. Can i lift my body up ? 

I was called after a long wait into the senior doctor’s room. Room 102. There was already a couple patient in front of me. The woman was complaining of frequent chest pain and had lost sensation in one of her fingers. I remembered by father also facing a similar stroke like situation and losing the sensation in his hand. We had visited a neurologist in south delhi who had suggested that these things take time, a life time sometimes. i don’t even remember if he had full sensation before he died.

When it was my turn, he just said – “gagandeep”… briefly looked at me, the junior doctor standing behind him. 
“Get these test done and show me!” then he wrote or scribbled in doctor’s style of writing ” 

Do Echo test also. Then we’ll see !

I left the hospital. 

I tried sending messages but no one responded.

I knew I could head to the Jahapanah forest, It was almost 6 pm. The traffic would not allow me to reach any further. I climbed the same flyover, passing mathura road below me. I was calmer but hungry. Coming to the hospital I was so fearful that I had not eaten my lunch. That I would throw up. That I would blow up from within. Why eat then? 

I passed my home, the kashmiri refugee colony, I drove below the iron bridge connecting Greater kailash and Chitaranjan Park Colony. I turned left into GK II colony and headed to the end of this road.