After attending a funeral, a cremation today, amidst loud calls of religious fervour, the body was sent into the electrical cremation machine. We all turned away, as the body will be extinguished of everything it ever was.

The conversation outside steered towards Schizophrenia and how two families and their parents were suffering from the same. Then it shifted to something else.

I could not write down dreams I had today in the morning, but left my home at around 9:50 to go sit in a cafe and work. With my body upright, and a very light bag, my coloured pencils were in my newly bought pencil wrap. With maybe 200 ml of water, a sketchbook and lots of sheets of tracing paper, i made my way to the cafe on the first floor.

somehow yesterday is not today and today is different from yesterday. Because yesterday evening i traced something which made me feel like i discovered a new phase in my life to draw and today i had no connection with it.

This is worth talking about.

DRAWING

Yes Drawing. Drawing as seeing in these moments. I saw that the tracing paper and me tracing an existing drawing on it left me confused and wondering why am i tracing and drifting away from the line that i know on paper?

I added pencil colours and then eventually put that away. PUTTING AWAY is a big process of Drawing.

putting away, then looking at it, then thinking do i go back, go there, do this, try that, or do i do that or just clear the table. A lot is happening right now.

A LOT IS HAPPENING. Do you see it my friend ?? Do you see whats happening?

How is it that a Polychromatic white pencil does not work on black paper but then works on an inexpensive black paper one day which is a cardboard and not meant to draw. How a drawing traced out one day on paper makes so much sense and the next day there is nothing there when you repeat it?

And then something happens. The next sheet of paper develops something. And then…

This gives us another point to think about. That is, when we compare. We look at our drawings and we compare. We look for similarities or identities in what we do, what we have done. We sense what are our weaker works, our stronger works, mediocre works, works which really work, which did not create any impact.

But my concern is more than just comparison. It is the idea of ” we started with nothing. I mean i started with no work, no drawing on the sheet of paper, papers. And then i end up being in a space where I have something to look at. I have generated content. I am past certain moments of creation ( CREATION) and now i just sit and look at them with full ownership to them. They are physical properties for me. I think something lies here which we are not conscious of. But anyways…

I used the royal brown i think, a shade of the brown. I think it was golden brown for a figure I drew and crimson red for another figure that i drew. Then I had this urge to buy a black sheet of paper and draw in reverse. White on black. I have been unsuccessful with white on black since 2003. Some one had told me try reverse. I think i got it today, or felt something. So this is SEEING.

Its so complicated, that it seems so easy. SEEING that is… I see white lines on paper, but its not. I dont think much when black lines are drawn on white paper but reverse throws me in the dustbin. DUSTBIN.

I left the cafe at about 12: 15-20 pm and came back to the cafe at 4 pm. To tell them to open the trash bin and take the black drawing out. I was told ” The one on the black paper looks like a figure made of dreams, a vision in the ether. ” So i went back to the cafe. I asked them that have they cleared their trash or is it still there.

The person working in the cafe opened the bin and took it out. The trash bin had the drawing lying on top. Surprisingly this is the only trash bin in the cafe but who cares. I got my drawing back in one piece.

I never throw my drawings. I stack them and bring them home. This time I smelled the paper. It smelled like cheap acid ink. I feared this would damage my other pristine drawing sheets. And i can alway draw another one. I folded it and threw it along with my Regular size take away cup.

But the whats app message shook me. The sunlight at 3 pm felt different very different after reading the message. The day was not your usual day anymore. I put on my blue black shirt for the funeral cremation and headed to the cafe to retrieve my drawing first. I had different energy now.