a phone call

a phone call came to me by a person who looks after my business. It was an interesting phone call because it changed the way i think. I think the way things unfold inside my brain. they are based on feelings of injustice, feeling of anger, feeling of discomfort, feeling of pain, feeling of insult, feeling of being exploited.

And this is the feeling i wish to talk about, of exploitation. On the sunday night, i was listening to a translation from Guru Granth Sahib, of how the habit of eating meat. The meat was being symbolised by someone being eaten alive by a powerful person because he or she commands control. Let us take an example. Around my home i can get into an argument with a rickshaw wallah for 10 rupees. But all of a sudden if a police person stops me, i will immediately cooperate. I could easily not argue for a challan which might be of a very high denomination. I will basically not argue.

So back to thinking: My thinking was triggered very strongly. I was in a very strong emotional space of being exploited. I created the narrative, which i was experiencing in my head, that where a strong power structure was at play and i was the deer who was being eaten by the lion on the top. The lion being the greedy, strong businessman with muscle power, with full control over the situation. I was being eaten and i kept saying to myself, again and again and again in my HEAD.

IN MY HEAD

What runs in my head, is what i am feeling and what i am seeing. I saw myself clearly being exploited to the core. I spoke of one dialogue in this visual scene in the head. Sir / Madam if you were in my position, then you would have put me in jail because of the amount of influence you have over the government officials, the kings, queens, royal men, army personnel that you know. You can have me arrested if i owed you anything. If i was your debtor, i would have been severely punished, threatened, arrested, blackmailed, harassed, tortured mentally and physically and would have had thoughts of suicide, self harm, and feeling miserable about myself. I would have developed health problems and died eventually. This is where Shri Guru Granth Sahib mentions of the Priest who eats MEAT. The meat is the symbolical reference to the MAN sadistically enjoying the pleasure of hurting another person who is weaker.

I am the weaker one, the one being chewed away. Always is the case. I can argue with the rickshaw wallah over 10 rs. It takes 20 rupees to get to M block from my home. When they have dared to ask 30 rs. I walk to the market and happily buy a coffee for 300 rupees and mineral water bottle for 100 rupees and a muffin for 300 rupees. And when the person looking after my business decides to exploit me for almost past few years. I have to go along. I have to go along with few FEARS.

FEARS.

fears come up in the head like a spider weaving its web in the head. So my fear was exactly this. If i put too much pressure on the business associate. Then that person out of anger will do this or that. He or She will create so and so pressure on me. I will suffer. So let me not let this situation arise. I should control my emotions till yesterday. I let them out like a dam broke down and water came gushing out. This is when i had to let go because it had started to affect my day to day functioning.

My business associate called:

The call gave me another perspective which i did not existed. There was pain on the other side too. And i am writing this post because i must not forget the pain of the other side. It gave me an insight into a situation which i did not know existed. Are we not able to express our emotions ? The (B A) said that She was sorry. She cried and she has not been in this situation ever in her life. I sell eggs and my business associate looks after the sales of the eggs. Past few years. she has been selling the eggs and gave credit to all the customers. These customers have not paid us back. They resold the eggs or ate them but have no money to pay us back. I told my (B A) that i have no money to buy food for the hens. And my hens are dying. And she is selling the eggs but not giving me my share of the Sales.

Many a times I thought i would go to her home and tell her family of her exploitation. I would just simply charge to her home and knock on her door and tell her mother father and brothers sisters and uncles and aunts and dogs and cats and husbands and lovers and kids, sons and daughters what they were doing to me. They had made me miserable. I am to enjoy life of my hard earned earnings and here i am without food, water and electricity. Only because i have no money. I eat the hens food and i borrow electricity from the street light pole and i have no water supply. because i have not paid my water bill. The water i steal from the nearby water plant. I know friends there.

But i never went to my business associate home. I also thought of beating her / him up in public if she / he ever tried to show sympathy in a public space. I write this because this comes up in the head. This visual comes up because i am so hurt. How can you see me in so much pain ? without basic water and food and in front of others offer me a sympathy sentence ? I will pull your hair and your clothes and slap you Sir, grab your beard, your eye lid, your hair, leg, arm and twist it and abuse you. All of this as a visual i experience. And i experience or have been experiencing over the past few years. They come up within me and the most important part is, that myths add up.

Myths add up

Myths are the most important sub topic of this post. Let me give clarity on this. Myth is formed when let us suppose my business associate is not paying me my dues. I share with others and or i hear from others of her / him that she has also duped many more. And or i read of someone being cheated and i juxtapose my pain of the business associate with someone being cheated. So my business associate is that. And since i don’t have clarity. I don’t have clarity of the mind of the business associate not being paid money from her buyers. I think of the B A as being corrupt, abusive of power, a dubious person, a fraud, a person not worthy of following the Chickism.

Chickism is a religion which is practiced in India. Chick followers are chick eaters. By eating Chicks and practising the life of a chicken, you become a Chick. I practice Chickism and therfore started this business of selling chicken eggs. My BA is also a Chick and is respected in the society as someone who has always stood up for the right of economically weak Chicks.

I know one thing, is that no matter how much cheerful i look on the face, or how much spirituality i may practice, i am at the end of the day or at the end of the hour, caught up in this pain of exploitation. If you cheated me, or have misused me in any way, or are doing it, harassing me, then there is NO ESCAPE. I can not escape this thought day in day out. I am forever thinking. Now let us suppose i am on a ship cruise. the moment i will be seeing the sea and holding the most expensive wine, seated with a breathtaking view of the natural beauty of the world, at least once the thought will cross into the territories of who is exploiting me. Who is hurting me. Who is not cooperating with me to what I say. There is NO ESCAPE to this and further building up of the narrative. The business associate, we can call SH1 is an entity who has created this mind terror for me.

SH1 called to clarify that it has received my message by the letter found inside the guts of the chicken. The stomach was teared open and the letter retrieved from the belly of the chicken. One chicken lost its life but that is how letters are transmitted in a cryptic way so that no one else can read them. Guts are the safest to lock them inside.

SH1 had also mentioned its fears over the years. Lot of them and now they started to form something really interesting which goes inside the head of a human. That is LIES.

LIES

all of it was now seeing like a lie. SH1 once said that it fear the attack of the aliens, then few months later, the fear of the snakes under the bed, then one day, the fear of the smell coming from the gas pipeline which was leaking. Then one day SH1 said do not put the messages inside the belly of the chicken because the chicken is a spy by the government. The government does not believe in Chickism or other religions such as Acidism. Then we realise that SH 1 has fears and these are stories and then we read about frauds by SH2 in the paper, then we think, did SH 1 have these fears of was SH 1 making them up because they were Lies ? We don’t know and we don’t care really.

But all this is happening because SH1 is NOT RESOLVING. SH1 is not clearing up, or helping me in my situation. I am miserable and the reason for my misery is the other. it is SH 1.

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