yes it was. a thursday night. somewhere between the urine trip for my mother, putting her beloved I pad on charge and then sleep till 8:12 am in the morning. It was a dream night with meeting a curator friend. ( not sure why artist community is coming in my dreams ) to another young artist booking her ticket for mumbai in the last minute.
The Curator is and begins a talk about her senior curator and i make a comment. The comment i say is. – Oh what about her set of mobiles ? She the senior curator would have a set of mobile phones. Hahahaha.
My young curator friend does not respond and in anger and in front of the entire audience shames me, gets angry with me, puts me down by saying, – That there is a time for a joke and AT THIS TIME, THIS IS THE MOST INAPPROPRIATE thing ever to say. This hits me. I feel the tension. I am sitting in or towards the front. My curator friend was showing different works of the senior curators. I dont remember now what it was, but may be catalogues written by her, or i think it was books edited, written by her as a list of achievements. So i said, she must have lot of mobile phones, at least 20-30 phones, why dont you show that ? This was a Joke and it did not go down with her very well.
We had broken for tea. art talks usually have tea breaks and then talks resume. In the tea break, another friend asked me, so how did u feel ? and i said, about what i said and how i was humiliated and how angry my friend had become. Two things i would like to add:
- what i felt, that pain, of being put down. Mera apmaan hua and
- how the other felt, I created anger in that person.
I am confused here in life also. How I lead to creating emotions in the other. I HAVE HURT THE OTHER. and now i have to experience this till the remaining part of my life. Till my body keeps doing this non sense of breathe in and breathe out. It will remain in me that I have created anger in the other. or maybe i forget the very next day. But i can feel the anger of the other person as i write this.
I am confused at how i felt. How it was ok for people to say jokes and so how do we decide when is the right time or the wrong time to say something and who decides a good joke is ill timed or is offensive. What if the other person just wanted to put me down. As we say in punjabi. “IS GAL DA NA KOI SIR NA PAYR”. I did not have anger at my end, but felt really stupid at first, why did i say this ( this is all happening in a dream ). During the tea break, i do mention that this was uncalled for, that to say that “there is a time for a joke and this was so inappropriate of me” has left me severly confused and that others also noticed that i was told to just shut up. And this shut me up very good.
The bell rang that tea break is over and i and my friend were the first ones to go back. I sat in the front with the speaker – my curator friend on the stage. I was pretending like nothing happened. I was trying to act positive that it was ok to tell me to just shut up like that. the dream ended. I don’t have any further visual.
The second dream is where a student artist friend books her last minute ticket knowing I am going to Mumbai on the weekend. She asks, Is GO FIRST Airline any good and she books because she has booked some event in mumbai for the weekend, knowing I will be there as i told her i am going and i will attending these events there. I am uncomfortable because I don’t want to be making any plans with another person. That is getting me uncomfortable and worried that why did this person do this ?
Again two things here –
- I am pretending to keep a straight face. Not show that i don’t like this. at the same time i have no control over the other persons decision making. Anyone can decide to do anything. Want to be with you or decide to never be with you. It is choice. But in this case, my concern is that WE CAN NOT IN THIS WORLD JUST SAY HOW WE FEEL at all times. Because i could not say. why are u booking, I don’t like this !!!! DON’T MAKE ANY PLANS WITH ME. This fear that we will hurt the other.
The dream ended here only. The tickets are booked. I know now i have to :
2. The second point is this, the word called ADJUSTMENT. how i have to adjust my plans for the other. I have accepted this and i have to be patient and now feel good that someone is there. and say the indian saying – JO HOTA HAI ACCHAY KAY LIYAY HOTA HAI. That it is ok. Let me give you and example. I am in a ferry which has two layers and with 50 – 100 people on board. We are going to an island and all of a sudden the alligator comes and eats few of them. there is blood all over the ferry. some one comes and shoots few more and then there is a storm and few of them fall in the water. there are few left in the ferry. maybe 2-3 people. And i say. Ok, i have no emotions, no trauma. I am like – Jo Hota hai, achay kay liyay hota ha. And i ACCEPT IT and i ADJUST to the fact that only 2-3 people will de board this ferry. I am normal about it.
dream ended as i mentioned before. The ferry part is an example and not part of the dream. It is 10:10 am and time for me to move on and get busy with work in the day ( that is to sit on facebook, instagram and count my likes, have beer, pizza and go to the movies. come back home, fart and go to sleep).