conversations these days are leading to nowhere. Or that has been the case always, and i did not realise it. Last night conversation with a relative who was asking what is the size of your work, how much does it sell for and how long does it take to make it ? and then the broker at a Real estate company whose owners have been put in jail is asking me questions which i felt from within – why am i here? . I had done 40 metro stations from my home and after this half an hour meeting, i had to another 40 to get back. It was the aqua line, then the blue line, then the magenta line to reach near home and a walk back.

I fell sick the next day. It was the pollution in the air, in the open sky, in the E rickshaw, in the metro train, in the metro station, in their office. Particles which I am inhaling through my mask, which i can not see. But my lungs are working, as two purifiers in my body. They fail, as the lungs are inside a vessel, which has a neck pipe and the interiors of the nostrils.

Sitting in the meeting i had reached a point of anger. I realised that with these property brokers, there was no such thing as personal pain. in business it there is no personal pain. it is only a point of settlement, where both sides are looking from the side of benefit. It is very different from two researchers meeting or two lovers. Or two dogs or two fishes meeting.

The other person folded his hands, and said i could leave and get my work done from wherever i wanted to. It was a way of aggression. I halted there. Then we tried to do soft talk. Soft talk is like wet cotton in hot water. it is soothing. cold talk is like rubbing you with a corn stick which has no corn on it. both give pleasure.

I did not draw till now, what my relative said, about how much do you sell your work, how many hours does it take and how many have you sold till now And i also have not drawn out what the property broker said to me at Pari Chowk greater noida but i do know that i could potentially draw out the sun which faced me on the pari chowk metro station at 5:15 pm. I was excited because i knew from 5 – 8pm i would be boarding the fast train which will not stop at about 5-6 metro stations and i will be going above all the traffic jams in the city. And i do remember having a top view of the canal at kalandi kunj, or the city river at shaheen bagh with plantations inside it. I remember the long walk from sector 51 to sector 52 which was a changing moment from delhi to greater noida metro station.

I remember the tall buildings at every metro station while heading towards pari chowk. I was timing every station. it took as per my stopwatch, approximately 2 minutes between each station. I remember the tall girl with one side of her jeans with buttons staring into her mobile screen, the security guard at the metro station frisking and wearing a brown shield on the face. The printed ticket with a bar code, the distance of the sun, as it seemed so close to me, that i could reach out and suck it into my mouth and swallow it like an egg.

I will draw one of these moments, as i have not drawn but they somehow are part of my mind. the mind which knows that when my body will be burned, it will dissolve into this air only. it will look like the soil of the fields of noida. It will not become a metal board. but it will disappear. it will be like sugar mixed in curd to make lassi. we all become lassi one day.

My pajamas are in a bad shape. The nara is in a knot which i can not open anymore. Its outer layer is all torn. The back side has a hole which is growing bigger by the day and it is forever falling in the day. I cover it with long shirts and jacket which hides the hole. You will see me running in different rooms of my house where no one sees me and i pull it up above my waist. I expand my belly to stop it from falling.

Last night i sold all my horses except one so i struggled to sleep as no one was buying this one horse.

A word of advice:

If we ever meet, don’t utter nonsense to me. It sticks to my head and i get caught up with your nonsense words. Its even better that we dont meet. That way i can do what i really want to do. My pending list is growing and i am ageing and reaching 50 soon. Now is the time to keep away and for me to stay from you too. I give you the reason.

1. Drawing has a history. it is not something that i drew only. It is coming from a history. dating back 30-40 thousand years into the caves. hence no scope for conversation with you
2. This history and looking into this history will require time. and so therefore i will not have time for you.
3. Drawing is also doing. It is not some thing which is done or i will do, it is doing. So everyday i am doing, i am drawing. it is a line in motion everyday. that requires time and so you should keep away I feel.
4. Just stay away for the time being and i will get back to you when the need arises.