i have so many problems. Maybe if i write them out, it will help me. Its 1 am on 16th august, a day after india’s independance but i am not independent from my thinking brain.
the problem is that i discovered there is a department in AIIMS hospital called Biomedical engineering. Also there is an Anatomy museum in a medical college in Bangalore. I just realised also that there are many drawings awaiting me in AIIMS hospital teaching department and they have a round the clock library. I just came to know there is a new show at National Museum and there is a biennale hapenning in eruope and there are hundred museums i have to visit and there are dozen countries i need to go to. And every sunday i imagine to be that lake in north delhi and there is a river in the mountains i need to go to again. My problem is where I have been, i need to go to again. Because I have seen it i need to visit it. Because I know you, I want you and will spend the next few months chasing you. My problems is YOU! i am chasing you and you are not chasing me. If you chase me then that is a problem because will start running from YOU!
the problem is i am keen to know how the world is operating. How is united states of america running so many states. how is it such a powerhouse. how does it function, how does it think as a nation? How do countries across the world operate, why do they have constitution by wise men? Why am i not so wise?
the problem is that i am aware i have no control over what i draw. is it what i see, is it the funny comical drawings where i give out instructions where i can go on creating manuals of things. funny absurd non sensical manuals, as today i came to know I am gaga in swiss german language. gaga has lost it in the head
the problem is that i draw in a cafe and when i reach my studio the sculpture is not made. it becomes pending or it just vanishes from the mind so it doesn’t happen. So, so many things are to happen but they have yet to happen.
the problem is that my dad died three years ago and i am going on non stop. i just can not stop. i can not stop myself from racing ahead in knowing how things are operating. how does a tape record a song? why do we cover ourselves in cloth? Can we eat toothpaste and brush with food? Why is gravity in existence? Why do we have to face problems in life? Why do we have to go through education to discover things? Why are things getting invented? Why didn’t we just stay with the telephone to communicate? why did wifi happen? Why do we get puzzled?
why can’t a dog tell me a technique to meditate. why does he not talk to me. why doesnt a sheep say that dont put a knife in my throat or dont eat me? why do people train themselves to become something and if i dont do that, why is that a problem? why dont i fit anywhere? why am i writing this
why do people do what they do? dont they know the earth is rotating in 24 hours and it is revolving around the sun in 365 days. so if the world is spinning on a axis then why do what you do? Why don’t people realise that life is not about getting somewhere but realising we are all spinning and we need to stop spinning? We need to figure out how to stop this rotation and just let it be a Day at one place and night at another place.
Why is it that if you hurt someone you get it back? why is maths there in the world and why am i so fascinated with its way of working? why can nature be calculated? why is there science behind creations in the world? Why are we inspired because of nature?
the problem is that there is a failure in human relationships and we fail to see that and we go on chasing something, not realising we need to work at the human relationship?
why is it that if i speak my mind, i will be killed?
the problem is that i have figured it out that there is too much to discover, read and research and do in life therfore there is no purpose to life because i will not get anywhere this way.
the problem is that when i decide to know how it is happening, or i need to travel and see a place for something or this or that. That is when it is best to raze this world down to nothing but a round ball with flat land and grass. why cant earth be a simple green ball with very few people on it. No art gallleries, no artist, no courts, no markets, you dont buy anything. This whole concept of buying is a problem. Some can, some can not. so no buying or selling.
i think this way the world will be simpler, no searching for anything. no more meaning to things, no philosophy or materialistic issues. end to economy. it is just a green ball to live on. Just two matters, no fire, just air to breathe and land to live in. No need to dig the planet. You can’t. Just don’t think about it. Keep it simple. No subjects, like maths or science. Just life. No history.
I know this is not possible but then i feel this is how it should be. this way i will have more time to think to myself. i will go for walks and not have any worries.